Forging a New Identity
My first thought as I begin to write is, "Oh my God - Who cares what an intern has to say?" I imagine this is appropriately reflective of my overall experience as an intern. Nevertheless, here I write with a vague notion and blind faith that it's the right thing to do.
The first two years of my journey were a steep learning curve - relying heavily on theory to lend me ego strength as I navigated my way through first sessions with clients, supervision, paperwork, countless hours of training and so on. More recently, something has shifted for me. I find myself guided by my own intuition and sense of humanness. This is both exhilarating and completely terrifying.
It came about only recently when I sat with a supervisor who was going over a session with me. I was doubting my own judgment on a particular intervention I used when he asked me, "What makes you so unentitled to your own authority?"
I was pissed he would even ask this perfectly placed question. "Are you kidding me?" I said. I was getting 4+ hours of weekly supervision from three different supervisors; 4+ hours of weekly training; constant instruction from other "more experienced" therapists; all at an internship which only reinforced that what I had to offer was unworthy of a paycheck but completely worthy of constructive criticism. I summarized my learned-helplessness to him and said with irritation, "and you want to know why I don't have a sense of my own authority." To which he chuckled and replied, "And I'm just another one of those voices."
In this moment, being angry became a turning point for me. It came with conviction and a fire in my belly that I do have something to offer. Not just because other people were saying it to me, but because it came from within me - within my own exasperation and frustration that modeled itself after my own adolescent process of individuation. Something that requires staggering through muddy chaos, blind faith, pushing limits, rejecting authority in certain doses, vulnerability, risk... heartbreak... resilience. It echoes human development in resounding circles.
Ultimately, I appreciate my supervisor asking me this totally annoying question because it called out of me a sense of what I needed to begin to individuate and forge my own identity as a therapist - anchored in theory, sailed by intuition and heart.
What I plan on writing about here are things that are related to the developmental track of the intern therapist as well as common clinical issues within the same frame of development. Hopefully, some fellow interns will find this helpful, reassuring, and/or validating. Hopefully, some licensed clinicians can look back on these experiences with appreciation and/or a sense of “thank God I’m not there anymore.” Maybe any one can learn something new.
The first two years of my journey were a steep learning curve - relying heavily on theory to lend me ego strength as I navigated my way through first sessions with clients, supervision, paperwork, countless hours of training and so on. More recently, something has shifted for me. I find myself guided by my own intuition and sense of humanness. This is both exhilarating and completely terrifying.
It came about only recently when I sat with a supervisor who was going over a session with me. I was doubting my own judgment on a particular intervention I used when he asked me, "What makes you so unentitled to your own authority?"
I was pissed he would even ask this perfectly placed question. "Are you kidding me?" I said. I was getting 4+ hours of weekly supervision from three different supervisors; 4+ hours of weekly training; constant instruction from other "more experienced" therapists; all at an internship which only reinforced that what I had to offer was unworthy of a paycheck but completely worthy of constructive criticism. I summarized my learned-helplessness to him and said with irritation, "and you want to know why I don't have a sense of my own authority." To which he chuckled and replied, "And I'm just another one of those voices."
In this moment, being angry became a turning point for me. It came with conviction and a fire in my belly that I do have something to offer. Not just because other people were saying it to me, but because it came from within me - within my own exasperation and frustration that modeled itself after my own adolescent process of individuation. Something that requires staggering through muddy chaos, blind faith, pushing limits, rejecting authority in certain doses, vulnerability, risk... heartbreak... resilience. It echoes human development in resounding circles.
Ultimately, I appreciate my supervisor asking me this totally annoying question because it called out of me a sense of what I needed to begin to individuate and forge my own identity as a therapist - anchored in theory, sailed by intuition and heart.
What I plan on writing about here are things that are related to the developmental track of the intern therapist as well as common clinical issues within the same frame of development. Hopefully, some fellow interns will find this helpful, reassuring, and/or validating. Hopefully, some licensed clinicians can look back on these experiences with appreciation and/or a sense of “thank God I’m not there anymore.” Maybe any one can learn something new.
I care what you have to say. :) Please keep writing. :) :)
ReplyDeleteI think most roles are like this. A couple of months of terror and feeling like a fraud. Then that magical moment of clarity and competence. It's an exhilarating feeling when it hits you.