Private Practice Hustle
I'm on month 2 of this private practice internship. It was not nearly as hard to set-up as people warned me it would be. In fact, logistically, it was pretty simple and straight forward. My supervisor and I went through the process together - we did our research, met with the payroll company, filled out the necessary paperwork, and boom! It was done! We're still working out some details but the clinical work has begun, a trickle of money is precariously rolling in.
Referrals - that's the hard part.
I've never been a good sales person. I don't really like putting myself out there, especially on my own behalf. Thank goodness I have kids to worry about feeding which motivates me to put them ahead of my own fears. My sense of worthiness in this field is still young, inconsistent, not yet reinforced with many years of experience - and I maintain a sense that seasoned clinicians can smell it on me... the lack of “seasoning” perhaps.
My emails and phone calls make me feel a little like a tacky sales person. The only thing that makes it worse is the silence - a blank canvas for projecting my own anxiety and sense of inadequacy onto. Even the brief responses are just blank enough to elicit the same internal experience. It feels like "thanks but no thanks" over and over again. It feels like "you're just an intern" over and over again. It’s not all my imagination, either. Some responses have literally included, “[this] client would not consider working with an intern...” At least those responses aren’t nearly as gas-lighting.
And whether or not it’s the client themselves or the referring clinician, I can’t really blame them. I have three years of intense clinical experience... but it’s not 10. It’s not even 5. From an objective point of view, it is a total gamble. The security blanket of licensure isn’t there. I am also guilty of the same bias. I wouldn’t want to work with just any intern as my therapist... but I’m a therapist, a good one, and I’m pretty sure that as a client, I’m a total pain in the ass.
I am a good therapist. I may process information relatively slower but I'm smart - I can understand complex dynamics and theory. I'm interested in everything a person says, does, thinks... I find meaning. I am compassionate. I recognize the need to step back, the need to suffer, to frustrate - sometimes born out of the same sense of compassion that allows me to gratify and soothe when it's appropriate. And I'm experienced enough to realize I never really have any clue what I'm doing. None of us do.
But something sets me apart and it’s not my intelligence nor robust sense of theory... it’s my intuition and my ability to attune in a therapeutic way that may be anchored by theory but guided by its own energy. It requires an unspoken connection to my self that guides me in the most fundamental human way. It is neither divine nor ordinary. It is musical and rhythmic, abstract and concise.
That’s what sets me apart as an intern. It’s something I can’t articulate when I’m reaching out for referrals; you can’t really tack that so concisely onto an email reply. It's not "evidence-based" or theory-driven; it doesn't come in a certificate or membership card. It’s something I’ve spent my whole life developing, not just the past three years. So I have to figure out a way to shine the light on it that it deserves. I need to push it through... follow up with phone calls, not just emails, invitations for tea, showing up for events and talking to strangers... in addition to sitting in my own tepid pool of anxiety (the hardest work of all).
I check my e-mail and phone messages hourly to see if anything has come up, anything at all... Silence. The only pulse I often hear is my own... and it's deafening.
Something has to be gained from going out of a limb over and over again, pushing up against your comfort zone, driving forward in your own best interest even when you're not sure you believe in yourself.
My wonderful co-worker at CFFC hands out these horoscope readings every month. I'm not into astrology at all but I'm really into gestures and synchronicities. It's not meaningful to me because it's astrology, it's meaningful because she gives it to me - it's something from her world that meets with mine. In that space between our worlds, meaning is made.
So what does she tell me?
Apparently... "this month helps you to love yourself for reasons you never knew you could. More of you is being revealed because less of you needs to pretend. More of you is being understood because less of you wants to misunderstand. And more of you is uninterested in being in situations that are uninspiring because less of you lives in fear of being rejected...
... Renounce what isn't yours. The identities. The problems. The situations - so they can be set free to find their true home. So that you aren't trying to solve other people's problems for them. So that you don't confuse being ill-suited to something with being unskilled at it.
Part ways with the games that are only designed to drag you under. What former need or desire are you now able to get a little distance from? Which can you separate yourself from entirely? Who are you done trying to please?
Please your muses and see what magic there is in letting go of what kept the pain at bay. Feel pain if it's there. Know that it will pass and you will be less afraid to experience your life - be it joyful or sorrowful."
...
I avert my eyes and hit send, I brace myself and make the call, I take a deep breath and walk into the room full of strangers... on blind faith that my strengths and skills are something valuable that the world needs. Blind faith that I am worth the emotional investment. Blind faith that I am worth the hustle.
Referrals - that's the hard part.
I've never been a good sales person. I don't really like putting myself out there, especially on my own behalf. Thank goodness I have kids to worry about feeding which motivates me to put them ahead of my own fears. My sense of worthiness in this field is still young, inconsistent, not yet reinforced with many years of experience - and I maintain a sense that seasoned clinicians can smell it on me... the lack of “seasoning” perhaps.
My emails and phone calls make me feel a little like a tacky sales person. The only thing that makes it worse is the silence - a blank canvas for projecting my own anxiety and sense of inadequacy onto. Even the brief responses are just blank enough to elicit the same internal experience. It feels like "thanks but no thanks" over and over again. It feels like "you're just an intern" over and over again. It’s not all my imagination, either. Some responses have literally included, “[this] client would not consider working with an intern...” At least those responses aren’t nearly as gas-lighting.
And whether or not it’s the client themselves or the referring clinician, I can’t really blame them. I have three years of intense clinical experience... but it’s not 10. It’s not even 5. From an objective point of view, it is a total gamble. The security blanket of licensure isn’t there. I am also guilty of the same bias. I wouldn’t want to work with just any intern as my therapist... but I’m a therapist, a good one, and I’m pretty sure that as a client, I’m a total pain in the ass.
I am a good therapist. I may process information relatively slower but I'm smart - I can understand complex dynamics and theory. I'm interested in everything a person says, does, thinks... I find meaning. I am compassionate. I recognize the need to step back, the need to suffer, to frustrate - sometimes born out of the same sense of compassion that allows me to gratify and soothe when it's appropriate. And I'm experienced enough to realize I never really have any clue what I'm doing. None of us do.
But something sets me apart and it’s not my intelligence nor robust sense of theory... it’s my intuition and my ability to attune in a therapeutic way that may be anchored by theory but guided by its own energy. It requires an unspoken connection to my self that guides me in the most fundamental human way. It is neither divine nor ordinary. It is musical and rhythmic, abstract and concise.
That’s what sets me apart as an intern. It’s something I can’t articulate when I’m reaching out for referrals; you can’t really tack that so concisely onto an email reply. It's not "evidence-based" or theory-driven; it doesn't come in a certificate or membership card. It’s something I’ve spent my whole life developing, not just the past three years. So I have to figure out a way to shine the light on it that it deserves. I need to push it through... follow up with phone calls, not just emails, invitations for tea, showing up for events and talking to strangers... in addition to sitting in my own tepid pool of anxiety (the hardest work of all).
I check my e-mail and phone messages hourly to see if anything has come up, anything at all... Silence. The only pulse I often hear is my own... and it's deafening.
Something has to be gained from going out of a limb over and over again, pushing up against your comfort zone, driving forward in your own best interest even when you're not sure you believe in yourself.
My wonderful co-worker at CFFC hands out these horoscope readings every month. I'm not into astrology at all but I'm really into gestures and synchronicities. It's not meaningful to me because it's astrology, it's meaningful because she gives it to me - it's something from her world that meets with mine. In that space between our worlds, meaning is made.
So what does she tell me?
Apparently... "this month helps you to love yourself for reasons you never knew you could. More of you is being revealed because less of you needs to pretend. More of you is being understood because less of you wants to misunderstand. And more of you is uninterested in being in situations that are uninspiring because less of you lives in fear of being rejected...
... Renounce what isn't yours. The identities. The problems. The situations - so they can be set free to find their true home. So that you aren't trying to solve other people's problems for them. So that you don't confuse being ill-suited to something with being unskilled at it.
Part ways with the games that are only designed to drag you under. What former need or desire are you now able to get a little distance from? Which can you separate yourself from entirely? Who are you done trying to please?
Please your muses and see what magic there is in letting go of what kept the pain at bay. Feel pain if it's there. Know that it will pass and you will be less afraid to experience your life - be it joyful or sorrowful."
...
I avert my eyes and hit send, I brace myself and make the call, I take a deep breath and walk into the room full of strangers... on blind faith that my strengths and skills are something valuable that the world needs. Blind faith that I am worth the emotional investment. Blind faith that I am worth the hustle.
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